Mourning, Quietly Hijacked

Amen

There’s a Jewish prayer called Kaddish (Sanctification), specifically the Mourner’s Kaddish, customarily said daily by a deceased’s close relative, amongst at least ten men, for 11 months following the death of a loved one, and then annually on the death anniversary. It’s accepted as a ritual of remembrance, a structure for grief and mourning processing, an action that involves the reader, their lost loved one, and god.

Strange thing about this prayer, though: It mentions nothing about loss, grief, death, or pain. No mention of the deceased’s name. Not even “may their memory be a blessing.” It’s completely about god - praising god every which way, and that god should grant peace upon Jewry.

“Magnified and sanctified is the great name of God …. May God’s great name be praised…”

It’s like a divine press release.

If the average mourner knew the translation, I think it would give them pause.

“Wait. What? There’s something missing here, no? Am I on the wrong page, wrong prayer?”

Some explain, that by publicly praising God, you’re somehow enhancing your departed loved one’s soul’s experience. Your effort converts into divine currency, as if the Lord said, “Praise me, and your departed loved one gets a spiritual upgrade.” What exactly the upgrade involves is, naturally, not itemized.

But, really. Nothing about the deceased at all? Not a word? Is this really about the deceased, or about God? Was this whole setup divinely inspired, or just an effective community attraction-and-retention strategy? Was this a sly way to get people to publicly praise the lord?

And then there’s the language - ancient Hebrew’s cousin: Aramaic. Most people have no idea what it means. They’re trusting that their clumsy recitation counts. Actually understanding and meaning what they’re saying?

Not part of the equation. Kinda like most people’s approach to software license agreements. Just click “ok”.

Maybe the point is just to say the kaddish’s words. Show up. In community.

Recite something that connects you to all who said it before you. What it means? Doesn’t matter much.

But is that what every mourner thinks when saying it?

It’s hard to ignore the setup. You’re sad, vulnerable, and prompted to read ancient text with a bunch of other men who will endorse your efforts after every sentence with “Amen!”

Is it a comforting divine act, or a masterclass in communal and religious psychology? Is there bait-and-switched cholent being served, or real shmura matza spirituality on the page?

That might depend on whether you went to the mikveh first.

Seriously, though. Saying nothing about the deceased and everything about god, as The Prayer for a deceased loved one, actually says a lot: We do, without much thought about what we’re doing.